HOW I HELP COUPLES, by Ray Maxwell
~ A Guide to Loving Relationships ~
Following this guide should help you to renew love in your relationship. This guide can provide ideas and words to help you to do and ask for what will be needed. If you get stuck anywhere along the way, ask for help. I will respond at no charge to brief questions by email, address Ray@Ray-Maxwell.com. Or if you want to make an appointment, telephone me at 416-487-2125.
Good luck on your journey of love!
Respectfully, Ray Maxwell, your Relationship Coach.
INDEX
· Feel The Love Again
· Good Intentions
· The Five Pillars Of Relationship Stability
· Disappointment, Pain, Sadness, Anger, Withdrawal Of Love
· Commitment
· Path Away From Discouragement
· This Feels Good, But How Did I Get Here!
· Certainty Of Beneficial Result
· The Tools
FEEL THE LOVE AGAIN
Most couples want my help because they want to again feel the love that they
earlier felt for each; or, at least, to realize the hopes and dreams they once
had for a satisfying relationship. Sometimes they think they have come for other
reasons, but when we are able to help the
rage/pain/discouragement to subside, then hope and love begins to be felt, and
recommitment becomes wanted and possible.
GOOD
INTENTIONS
Both of the people of the couple usually have good intentions towards the other,
even if temporarily blunted through discouragement, or distraction.
Having your good intention recognized is very important. Hurt and discouragement can occur when your sincere effort is not recognized. Having your good intentions noticed and encouraged by your partner will assist in the reawakening of your love.
Likewise, you need to recognize, and allow it to be significant, that your partner has good intentions towards you. I have found that a person can tolerate quite a lot of ineptness, even chaotic behavior, some waiting, even deprivation, if that person believes that their partner loves them. This can best result from your partner, even if minimally, clearly enacts their love through behavior that demonstrates good intention towards you.
THE FIVE PILLARS OF RELATIONSHIP STABILITY
These five “pillars” of behavior towards your partner, when consistently followed, will make it very likely that the relationships will be stable.
These
are not ALL needed elements, but without these, pain and misunderstanding are
more likely; practicing them consistently almost guarantees stability. These are
not simple mandates, because people are complex. But committing to this
intention can greatly help.
COMMITMENT
The R-Myth [Relationship Myth – see www.r-myth.com] falsely states that when people get filled with the Hormones of Love, the “Trance of Romance”, no skill is needed because the “Heaven of Love” has taken over; nothing else matters. Of course, this is not true. A new relationship can be exciting and can seem perfect. However, over time everyone discovers that a lasting satisfying relationship requires effective skills and attitudes, constantly applied.
My own personal discovery about commitment was revolutionary to my life and to relationship stability. I remember when, after several years of marriage, things were not good. Early in the relationship, my wife and I had felt love, and but now there was pain. What to do? Blaming, my habit, had in the past ended relationships. I did not want that again!
The obvious became apparent: “I Cannot Know How Good My Relationship Can Become Unless I Become My Sterling Best.” What a novel idea! Now, to find out what “My Sterling Best” actually was, I would have to examine every transaction between my wife and me, and to ask myself if, in any way, I had contributed to a negative outcome. I did exactly that. This led me to a continuous sequence of discoveries of things that I was not doing at my best, such as: Communicating Effectively, with Civility, and with Kindness. It is no wonder that I was evoking negative responses! And I had not been noticing! This touched me with shame, especially that I was frequently evoking the responses about which I was complaining!
The Commitment had begun. It was a commitment to myself: to recognize and change my less-than-ideal transactions. Now, any time my partner’s response was not a “good outcome”, my behavior qualified for examination, and I would search for a new, better way.
Things began to improve. My wife was able to recognize my newly delivered considerations. She became more optimistic spontaneously. This created an environment in which she began to change, too. She became more Civil and Kind, and as well, she became more open to my requests and gentle-as-possible confrontations. We have sustained, and grown in contentment, and its now (2009) 35 years. Certainly we have occasional disruptions; but we get back to sweetness quickly, along with having harvested a little more understanding. This is a wonderful outcome! The “harvest of good seeds earlier planted”.
Even more important, as a result I have become more awake, and generally more content, and for this I particularly feel gratitude.
Disappointment, Pain, Sadness, Anger, Withdrawal Of Love
The sudden periodic arrival, when things seem to be going well, of facial expressions and postures that are in various ways aggressive - disconnecting, insults or deprecations, and the apparent withdrawal of love – can be an unpleasant surprise! There may even be the suggestion of “THE END”. Happily, it need not be at all an ending. Instead can be the beginning of healing of an old would in at least one of the partners, maybe in both. Healing wounds increases gratitude and relationship stability – both worth having!
When these events occur, it may take some encouraging - talking-to-yourself, or support from others - to help you to manage your feelings, but, your keeping in mind that “This is the path for things to get better,” can help you to feel encouraged, and to see things looking brighter!
Later, we will discuss about “Beliefs, Triggers, Wounds, and Healing”, which will give you a structure to guide you. Meanwhile, to give yourself excellent tools for staying in rapport and letting your partner know that you do understand, and you do care, excellent tools can be found by learning “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life”, a book by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. [As with all that I have mentioned here, please feel free to contact me with questions, which, if concise, I’ll happily answer at no charge.]
PATH AWAY FROM DISCOURAGEMENT
Earlier times I frequently felt discouraged and stuck. Fortunately, using the tools that I now teach to couples, I could eventually work my way to a better state. These tools, brought into the relationship with a couple, will usually quickly enable them to observe that positive changes are really possible! And this is very important, because, without tools, and without demonstrated reason for hope, failed efforts lead to discouragement.
When a couple arrives to work with me, typically, after chatting about our goals, I next orchestrate – using “The Tools” – that the couple can Communicate Clearly; with Civility; Kindness; Mutual Understanding; and Appreciation. Suddenly they realize that they have moved into feeling hope. Typically, and most often, towards the end of this first meeting, the couple is feeling touched by the experience, the wall is starting to melt, pain is being felt, and love is beginning to flow.
THIS
FEELS GOOD, BUT HOW DID I GET HERE?
When I help a couple to reach a good outcome, they see a glimmer of hope, but
they realize that they don’t yet know The Tools, and how to apply them. But
now, with hope opened, motivation rises. This is especially true over time and
several meetings, as repeated hopeful experiences accumulate, awakening interest
in the couple to learn. It is not “easy” because we are in the turbulent
waters of intense feelings, powerful ideas, and habit patterns. However, I will
teach the couple to manage and contain these intensities, while they are
learning these new tools and behaviours.
My
next job is to help the couple to each commit to becoming their Sterling Best. I
harness their good intentions toward learning The Tools. Commitment typically
increases when a person observes the use of The Tools by their partner, and
experiences the resultant positive outcomes.
CERTAINTY OF BENEFICIAL RESULT
You
may ask, “Ray, is this always what happens, truly?”
”Most of the time!” Within about ½ hour of meeting with a couple,
we can usually get signs of hope that positive change can occur.
Please see my Contact
Page for details.
But even if love cannot be re-awakened, I can usually help motivated individuals - whether in personal relationship, or business - to become better friends, or, at very least, functional colleagues in an endeavor. Examples, in both personal and business contexts, include:"
The pre-requisites are motivation to cooperate, ability to cooperate, and language skills.
THE TOOLS
To be continued …